The Pit

I haven’t been this close to the edge in a while. The fumes of decay and despair are wafting over the edge. Wraiths hovering over me, waiting to suck the light right out of me. A few of these wraith go by names, like demons do only wraith can’t possess you like demons can. The closest one is reminding me what a failure I am. How my ability to be a responsible human being is not at all possible because of the curse I was born with, because of the gene pool I got lucky with. He tells me I’m an addict by default, although addiction has never been an issue, he treats me like a child when I need his help. He turns all my good all my pride and twists them into failures. Just like the neighbors did, just like my father did. How do I fall for it every time….weak he says. The second one as assaults me with hate, hate because their jaw is wrong, hate cause I’m the one with the illness, hate because I’m not the mom, hate because I’ve just never been the sister she wanted or needed. I can remember it’s words, “I don’t fucking need you”….why? Is all I can ever wonder, I busted my ass for you, took a beating for you, fought for you, just ….why. All I hear is a giggle…you’re an idiot. The third wraith is the biggest and usually the hardest to ignore. This one wreaks with the odor of pain. My broken heart, my beaten soul, lost dreams and shattered illusions. The chains rattle, clink clink clink…..shame on you for fighting for you, thinking you actually made a difference.  This voice echos, like the sound of God ringing in my ears. As this darkness spreads, I think about freedom, about what a waste it’s been chasing this dream of happiness. I know I am empty, missing the connections but these things weren’t crafted in me. My guild stood empty no get togethers no mother daughter talks, no sister to go shopping with, no brother to hug. I’m beginning to believe these wraiths, it’s been such a struggle to keep people in my life, my own kin ran like hell the first chance they got. Still don’t really have the use for a dark elf like me. A loki of sorts….Now the edge is right at my feet, cold winds at my back, laughter pushing me in. God where are you and your dam promises.

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