I’m doing my best today. It’s almost through, the pain the waiting the headaches. Back and forth i wander through the swamp. My steps to freedom hindered by my birthright. Always floating between worlds, never really wanting to be in it. Although the other day, when I was driving it was like a polarizing filter you put on a camera only it was in my delapitated brain. Everything was so clear. I almost felt rather than saw these beings swaying in the wind, flying in the air, singing. Life was moving through me not around me. Then the world came back, daycare, sick children, that ever movement forward of trying to prove to the “world” I am someone. I count, I’m not the unimportant little girl you left flaying in the water, I learned to swim and I still feel like I need to prove it. Although who the proving to has become different. I woke up this morning sick and tired, grief stricken with the loss of what I can’t quite put my finger on it. It has something to do with the falling away of illusion, that I and everything in the past was a lie. My childhood, my dreams, my thoughts. When I was driving to my friends house this last weekend I drove by one of my many homes in the city. It was the first home and the last home I felt safe in and felt like my dreams of a family, of being and belonging started. In reality this wasn’t so but for some reason I have clung to that bullshit lie of a dream all my life. I guess driving by this time made me realize what a waste my life has been chasing this dream. Sometimes I see how this has translated itself now and I feel the chest start to ache and my stomach hurt. Like what happens when you are at the top of a hill and your sled is about to slide. Exhilaration, anxiety, fear and a touch of happiness knowing what that this will be over soon, that going down is much more fun than all that climbing back up.
This morning, when I awoke and looked out the window I was overcome with a sadness and tiredness that hasn’t visited me in a while. My heart is sad, I miss my friend Sweetie, I miss my soul and just want to go home. The road ahead looks filled with boulders and holes. Like a rhythm, a drumming there is no way but forward although today I feel dead in my tracks. I know for eons, and so do the people who have stuck by me, God bless them, for all the complaining and whining I do I am blessed and lucky to be where I am today. I am sorry for all the damage my self proclaimed agony has brought, did bring but now as I stop, listen, I realize that the screaming was to cover the silence of loneliness. The panic that set in when I knew, know, in my being that it’s just you kid. There’s no back up, no pals, no family, just you and the thought of that used to scare the hell out of me. Now it comforts me, wraps me like a warm blanket on a cold day, like today. Along the way I meet these wonderful people, travellers like me. We sit by warm fires, on beaches at pubs laughing, cherishing our stories. These are the memories that make my heart start to beat a little, that bring back hope when the way becomes dark and scarey.