Lost again

So much is hidden behind the pretense of a marriage. I mean during that time they made their loyalty known. He had their whole childhood to do it too. Every time the illness came and I had to go away to take care of myself for the good of them, so I was told. That is when he took the opportunity to turn them, let them feel how sorry for him they should feel for him, you know when mommy goes away. He’ll make her pay in more ways than their little minds will comprehend or even know because this will be the belief they have cemented in their minds. The worst part about this is the illness just redefines, entrenches this belief inside of them so by the time puberty hits, there is no good I or anyone can do to make them see what lengths I went to to keep them safe. Although the best thing I could of done was stay the fuck away, but I didn’t. I didn’t because by co-dependent, bullshit daddy abandonment issues always got in the way. So when his alcoholism is excused, when his emotional abuse is hidden, when his narcissistic mind plots ways to make it seem like I am the witch, when your own children feel caught in the middle because of the line I draw in the sand for me…when they actually choose the alcohol over the mom…you know you’ve lost the game. Endings are so hard, especially those endings that involve the ones you love the most. I have been delaying, drawing out, trying to convince myself that I am needed, but the narcissism runs so deep in this family of his. With no family back up of my own, no bothers or sisters to call or visit, no mom or dad to find safe haven with, no money and a grandson with no permanent home …..what the hell I supposed to do.It’s funny too, over the years I tried to believe that my little unit was important to my family but they weren’t, not really. I mean with the lifestyle so vibrationaly low it must have been agony for them to have us around. This was really apparent at Christmas time with the blatant favoritism played out in front of us, my sister’s kids, my kids, mom raising them too obviously her favorites, disguised as a family get together. I mean you know why I feel the way I do because I can feel the I love you but pity you vibe. I can feel the outright get the fuck out of my life vibe. That vibe has been there since the day you realized you didn’t want a sister. You were convinced I was adopted for christ’s sake. I know what I did to you….I know you are never going to openly like ever and that is just another loss I have to accept. It’s fine now, I’ve lived the shame long enough the silence long enough to know why. Just like that daughter of mine, you’ve always had the knack of being so fucking obvious in your disdain. You, my family, will never know the kind of silent pain you put me through, the questions my daughter’s had, they saw it too you know the favourtism…..why else would they not want to see you and I am tired of explaining mom…tired of being put in the middle and then being blamed when I actually have some feelings about it. Tired of you looking like a goddam saint. Insidious…..alot of things just sneak up under the radar and am really tired of the caveat excuse of ” I don’t like to dwell in the   past….in gossip or any other lower vibational frequence you emit to me” …you’ll behave that way but god help me if I do.

My grandson, his mother is only interested in waiting for me to step out of the way, she calls me her mom but she never sees me as her mom…..ever since my first born her father never considered me a mother. What a narcissist does with a story of see how sorry my life is story does is keeps the bitch around so everything I do justifys that  story. Just like my dad did……….Narcissism is the worst devil around. It disguises itself as caring well meaning people. Insidious in it’s manner, leaking into everything. Alcoholism is a disease draped in narcissism, using it as it’s cloak.

I am realizing that no matter how much I do .. for these children, for these people it will always look the same. I stand my ground…it looks bad…I give in ….it looks bad. Well I’m done with this story. Time to walk away..before another child becomes convinced I am the enemy. This will break my heart, but he is not my child he is the child of the one who hates me secretly, blames me for abandoning her when it was her alcoholic father who abandoned her. Wasn’t there when she needed protecting but blamed me for not being able to be there. My illness, my presence that he wanted so he could look like a victim and a hero at the same time. The price I paid for believing that I would get what I lost as a child was the same ……I paid with my heart and it cost me my soul. No loyalty, no love, no respect just the same old same old ……ignoring and blame. So it’s time to go thank God….the outcome is at least predictable, but then again I’ve always been the bad guy since the day I was born. Time to be a good guy in my life.

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