It was in a time when we were both going through some things…in our marriages …but for some reason couldn’t or wouldn’t talk to each other. It was a beautiful summer day, on a lark I thought I would take my 2nd born to visit. When I arrived there was the realization how miopic my vision had really been. Things weren’t being shared because she had moved on….decided there were other people more reliable, less selfish, less whiny about their lives. After I left I cried, cried a lot realized I had lost a friend, again. There are so many questions I asked myself but the one common denominator I have come to realize in my lifetime of living that I am not an easy person to love or like. So I still get unsteady when I realize the memories we could have had together were never meant to be. That the small memories we had together were a blessing for me. Sometimes I think I’ve changed, become more “likeable” more open and relaxed but I haven’t. It’s all in the signs, the silence…the roar of being let go because my life is a burden…a boring burden to others. It’s ok, believe it or not I do alot of soul searching, alot of looking in. Today I realize that the belief I have been living my life on was the one that was silently communicated to me growing up…..disappointing and way too sensitive for my own good…moody, grumpy, whiny all the things that don’t make friends or let family want to remember you. Really it’s ok….I’m at peace with being forgotten, a little of what I wanted anyway. It’s really tiring knowing one never matches up to what people want in someone….that eventually I’ll let them down anyway. It’s why I get put in charge, given responsibility..not because there is faith in me but because when I fail the fault is mine…not theirs. This played out with my father, my mother…brother,sister, friends…..now husband, children. Anyway I co operated so I own my part. I own my part in my lonliness. Now I just don’t want to participate anymore. My soul is tired of trying to be seen.
Self righteous indignation ……being told how dare you, actually feeling bad for being in so much pain that escape is the only way out. Isn’t that what’s happening when we drink ourselves blind or get high….actually feeling bad for being at the end of the line. Unbelievable but understandable. The first time the call for help was made, brother called me a fucking idiot, home from the hospital being cussed out by the emerg doctor and my mother and her husband then told I was not getting any help by some nice doctor because mom just thought I was doing this to her and silence from my sister, seething silent hatred staring at me again those big brown eyes screaming at me for letting her down again. It’s true, I did let her down again for christ’s sake I was babysitting yes I remember my sin will never forget it…..yep. The second time, same thing only it’s my daughter’s brown eyes screaming at me this time, I remember….it almost worked…still can’t talk about it because of the anger I see in people’s eyes, indignation, again. My husband knew…walked right out the door left me to die. Should of stayed in bed, but I didn’t and well on and on it goes. Now this is the shame I carry around..maybe my karma.
Grama used to cry for hours in her drunken haze, mud all over her shoes from the night before and my parents used to leave us there. It was always my fault, sis and bro used to take it out on me. Those big brown eyes full of rage at me, that kid always making it harder than it had to be. Couldn’t they see how hard I was trying to keep them safe? and yet who get’s all the family pics? who get’s the light from my mother’s eyes when she speaks?
As I realize that every carpet is weaved with one single flaw to make it unique to give it a signature it also takes one tug on that string to realize there was no rug there at all.
As my grandson doesn’t want me he wants his absent mother, which I can understand so much wanting an absent mother who doesn’t want to be around you…..it hits me so hard the rejection, the mistakes, the lies……the realizations that I have to love myself even when no one wants me on my own terms. I guess I’m angry about that, angry I couldn’t be a good enough friend to be let in, angry that I couldn’t be a good enough sister in law to be invited to things with them and their kids, to trips I mean even my husband went without me…..angry that my own kin and their kids can just forget about me so easily that I feel like I have to beg for a hello, angry that my mind is broken, I was born this way…..but I guess my work is to let that all go, feel good about me anyway. I haven’t done anything wrong, have I? except lack the social skills to have relationships but that’s just because the first one’s I ever had were based on sex for hire. I digress, that’s ok….this pain in my chest will end soon. It will end when the let go has finally happened and lonliness has been incorporated and my life has finally been set free. The walls that are built up, I get it, it’s self preservation from broken people who forget about other’s feelings and beings. I know that’s why I am not let in…..the pain I caused or thought to have caused will not be forgiven or maybe forgiven but never forgotten. If it matters I am sorry I couldn’t be enough to be there for you….to be a friend, a good mother, a wife…..not in the sense that I’m not good enough but in the way that my best strength wasn’t there for you. I was selfish and self absorbed….scared and ashamed….there will never be anyway to make it better or right. It’s too late for that now.
When these memories are put down, they are to purge, to confess, to apologize. It’s a perceived character flaw that is seen in me…..that attention is all that I seek….it’s recognition, acknowledgement maybe but not attention. It is also with thanks I place these down because the lessons I have been taught have been useful ones.Ones that have forced me to grow up, take ownership of what and who I am. Lessons that show me it’s time to move on.